The way you make me feel

This awesome video keeps making my day every time I watch it. I love the voice and style of this Kawehi, and even though this song is the first I heard it's still my absolute favourite.

Now to some more serious stuff. I keep getting to know new people all the time, and sometimes I get this amazing feeling with someone I am meeting for the first time - it's as if I would have met an old childhood friend even thought it's not possible we would have known each other before. A certain warmth and comfort and easiness radiates from them to my being. I love that feeling, and I want to be able to spend time with those people and give them the real me to say so in return, being honestly myself and trying to make them feel relaxed in my company too, make them see how easy they make me feel.

I don't exactly know why, but I also have this certain kind of other people I always start getting really interested in. The stupid thing is that I know they are not my kind of people, and that I will not enjoy their company, because they - on the contrary to the first kind of people I tried to describe - make me feel like I have to wear a mask of something different than my comfortable self for making them like me. Then I don't know why in the world I want to make them like me, when I know that I don't like the company of people who make me wear a mask. That is so annoying, and I fall for it too many times even when realising the stupidity of that problem, and that it's fully my own fault.

Neither of those types of people are homogeneous groups, but include people with many different personalities and characters. The one thing uniting all those is just that something that makes me like them. With the first group I feel like home, and with the other one I feel like in a masquerade. I feel so weak sometimes for not being able to resist the urge to impress the second kind of people, and I hate those situations - who would like to feel themselves weak anyway... Then again the first ones make me feel so nice that when I am with someone like it, I feel strong and confident and swear I'll never again make the mistake of wanting to be with people who don't make me feel good. I guess I have some more accepting and learning and gaining more self-confidence to do to get over the second kind of people.

Then one of the most difficult things for me to do is to end a relationship I don't feel comfortable in. Sometimes it's easy to just let it slip away, but now I'm dealing with more than one people with whom I feel like it was a mistake to get so close. It is so hard for me, because I keep thinking that I don't want to hurt anyone by telling them how they make me feel when it's not something positive, and more when I feel like they actually trust me. Normally I try to be honest always (well maybe not 100 % when someone is asking how they look in an outfit or something like that, though even then I try to find the best things to say about it), but these situations make me feel awkward and lost and like I'm made to choose between two rotten options. Those are another situations then, where I need to and want to grow.


Now my back and every muscle is hurting for so much dancing yesterday, but that's how I know I had a great time in a party - not for a hangover or for not remembering anything like some.
And now that the summer is waving its goodbyes, I'll guard it with me in the memories of these pretty flowers from Finland and the warmth of Spain (:

Living My Life

I feel like so much has happened in my life in such a short time! I have been doing and living so much both physically and emotionally that I practically forgot that I own a blog, sorry for that. The good thing in that is that now I have so many pictures I haven't posted here that I can post at least every other day for a while.

I really don't know where to start writing. In these couple of months I have met tons of amazing people and spent many precious moments with them, I have gone for a hike in Lapland, hitchhiked for the first time in my life going around Spain, gotten more tanned than I've been in a long time, picked up more than 30 litres of berries (no kidding), meditated in the woods, seen the northern lights, helped other people the best that I've been able to, lived in a shared apartment for the first time in my life, started living alone for the first time in my life, learnt to cook something else than desserts, fasted for an entire week, and best of all, I have gotten to know someone new who has become incredibly important to me in such a short time. All in all, I have been really happy and able to live in the moment and just enjoy everything around me most of the time. And maybe you already know or have guessed, a while ago I broke up with the person that I thought was the love of my life, and I feel like it was actually healthy and a good thing for me, feeling bad and stressed only for the other person. Luckily he seems to be fine too, and I hope it stays that way.

Now I was sick last week, and I am just waiting to fully recover to be able to do sports again. I now have room enough to practice dancing or capoeira or whatnot in my living room, and I can't wait to start! I desire to go for a run every day to clear my head, climb in a bouldering cave to get some work for my muscles and dance without thinking how I look in the eyes of others.

Last night I saw some amazing northern lights, and could capture a few beautiful pictures, but I still decided to go in order with the oldest pictures I have not published here yet. Auroras will be coming when it's their time.

I also decided to write here more in the future, starting from this post. Writing relaxes me, and I often have flow experiences while writing, so I think it's also good for me and not just nice for someone reading my blog. How selfish of me! I think people should write more, write a diary or a short story or poems or whatever they feel like writing, because I think it is a perfect way of getting to know yourself better and more deeply. By writing you have think about how to put the words and how to express your thoughts and feelings with them, and by doing so, you might realise things you hadn't thought before, even and maybe most when it comes to yourself. People seem to take it for granted that they know what they think so well. I dare everyone reading this to write something for one week every day, and see if you gain anything from it. If nothing life changing, at least every time you write something you learn more about the language even if you wouldn't notice.

Right now I'm thinking that maybe I should have this blog only in English, because it is pretty exhausting to write the same text twice in different languages.  And you can't have the same kind of flow in writing when you already wrote the thing once. And I have at least as many non-Finnish as I have Finnish friends, who might be interested to read about my life every now and then. Or at least check the pictures. Stereotypically I will also argue that Finnish people know English anyway. This is a great example of how writing helps you discover your thoughts in a deeper way, I have just decided something I wasn't sure about before - only while writing this paragraph!

Here we go, this first picture actually isn't taken by me, for I myself am in it, but I thought a good portrait of myself might be nice for a change. Maybe someone hasn't seen me yet. And unfortunately this is going to be the only picture in this post, as I will have to ask some people if it's ok to publish their pictures here. Thanks to one special person in my life, I have started to think, why people want their pictures taken, and what are my reasons why I would want pictures taken of me. More of those thoughts some other time.

I have a secret wish of this blog getting more readers for I might feel some point in writing here then. So I happily welcome any new readers to follow the blog! Also, if you are reading this but are not a reader, please click the "I read the text" box under the post and make me happy! (;

I Feel Good

Today I feel good. I have have a perfect day of realizing that there's no point in worrying about something that I can't do anything about, accepting that I might not be perfect but that's ok and that people are different and that's ok too and that I would actually like to show love to everyone, and maybe they'd realize to show it more in their lives too. I feel SO NICE right now, in the moment, being present and relaxed and happy. This is a feeling I'd like to hold on.

And here are some pictures of the actual me, and I look pretty much like my positive self in these. Those brown eyes are not mine, O got in the pictures also (:

I want to spread happiness to everyone reading this! You too, remember to love enough!

Social Animal

I have had a very nice couple of days, it feels like everything has gone just the way it's supposed to. First, on Saturday we had our subject association's birthday party with a theme of 1920's. There were many new people, and I was proud of myself to actually get to know many of them, because I'm normally really shy and not good hanging out with totally new people. And it was really cool to dress up like a 20's lady - there was a photographer and a place to take group pictures, I'll maybe post some here when they are published. The after party was simply awesome, because I danced two hours in a row with some old and new crazy friends.

Yesterday I participated in student's Shrovetide's celebrations by playing snow football in my subject association's team. If you don't know what it is like, I can describe it briefly: amazingly fun, socially connecting, chaotic and physically hard as hell! Right now every muscle in my body hurts because of having kicked a football in snow, and also I'm full of bruises because of the chaotic nature of the game (probably other people have bruises because of me, too…), but I have kind of always liked the feeling of hurting muscles, because then you know you have really done something. But god, that was fun! And again, I'm proud of myself for getting to know new people, because there were almost none I knew from before. I was supposed to be there only for taking pictures, but I'm happy I was recruited to the team.

And I can't express how weird and confusing it was again that at night at the after party of this event there were no people I knew again! Then I totally exceeded myself and went to talk to a guy with whom I had changed names before, and told him that I really know no one there, and that he looks like a nice person so I would like to join him if that's fine with him. Then we talked whole night and he actually was a really nice person and I'm hoping to get to know him better in the future.

When O came to pick me up, we noticed that for the first time in weeks the sky was clear, so we decided to go check if there were any northern lights - and there were! I didn't have my camera with me, and the lights were not too strong, but it was amazing to be there with under the stars, really bright moon and the northern lights with the man I love.

In these images you can see an example of how the weather has been for way too long now. Just cloudy and gray.

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Sun Is Coming Back

I always start having much more energy when it's noticeable that the days are getting longer again. I visited my grandparents, and there went to introduce my camera to the countryside's forests during sunset. The pictures in the earlier post are actually from the same walk.

Nature makes me feel so relaxed and simply good, happy. It's like I don't have anything to worry about, and I can feel myself in the moment being part of everything. I might have already written that, but I really can't stress enough how important nature and that feeling are to me, and how important it is that everyone should feel like that sometimes. That feeling makes my problems seem silly and unimportant, and I remember not to worry so much. I think it's kind of meditation.

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New Year

Here is my New Year's post that's a little late written (but who cares!).

I didn't make any resolutions, because I think it's not logical to promise to do something the year following, only because it happens to be the day when our calendar year changes. For me, I prefer making promises whenever I feel ready and motivated to change my life in some way. Right now I'm in a process of cutting down the amount of sugar I eat, because even though I know it's really really bad for me, it's been hard to eat less sweet things. I had thought about it as my one bad habit, but now little by little I decided to reduce my sugar eating. I'm still in the phase of "drinking tea without sugar" and "only bake one sweet thing every two weeks" and "try to invite someone over to eat the sweet thing you've made". Because baking is one of my hobbies, I would like to still keep doing it when I have the chance of sharing the results.

Another kind of change in my life I'm processing right now is doing more sports. I don't see it as very challenging, because I've always loved moving and have had like five trainings per week, but now I just needed motivation to start doing something again. I started dance classes last week, and I've been doing some physical strength training every other day, and I think it's just fine like this. I would really love to have a dog also because of the amount of walk it requires, and for previous experience, most of the time it doesn't feel like I have to go for a walk only because of the dog. It just makes a good habit out of it as far as I know.

I asked my best friend recently what she thinks is the best thing in having your own dog, and she answered me with a novel, and it didn't really help me with my puppy fever (not that I would want to be helped anyway..). She talked about the trust and unconditional love and friendship with the dog, and that someone who has never had pets just can't know how much you grow to care about each other, and how much it can make your life happier. That would be the novel in two sentences (:

Tomorrow or the day after tomorrow or soon anyway I'm going to post now actually much more recent pictures, and then I should be up to date with them. Pictures here are from my New Year's celebration, and some things I've been baking (:

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Unnatural Death?

This time I'll give you pictures from my trip to Helsinki in early December (it's me in the last pic!), and some talk about death and old age, as it has been much in my mind lately because of my grand parents. I know my opinions are not to everyone's liking, but this is me being honest, and I definitely don't want to make everyone to think the same way either (:

I feel like in this modern culture the naturalness of the death has been forgotten. Surrounded by all these pills, medicines and machines the death is the unnatural thing that comes when you haven't treated someone well, long or strongly enough. I would never want to have a machine controlling my life or death, or even see a loved one get to that stage, because I don't think it is really life - at least not life worth living for. I know many don't agree with me, but I'm not ashamed of my opinion: when the time has come to someone, you should be able to let go. When someone can't recognise their friends and family anymore, or talk or think understandably, it doesn't matter much if the body is healthy. A relative of mine said this about my grandfather who has Alzheimer's disease: his soul (I would say mind) has gone in advance, but the body is strong and still hanging on here. You can't have any rational answers to even normal daily questions from a person in that stage, so who and how is in the position of deciding if the person still wants to live that way. I don't mean euthanasia here (that I agree with totally depending on the case), but that if an old person, whose mind isn't working anymore, has let's say a heart attack, I would think twice before trying to bring them back to life.

(Just to not have any misunderstandings: all this what I'm writing obviously only applies to someone, who's mentally not well for old age or some disease for example. So I'm not telling to kill every old person there is.)

The difficult question must be, who is to decide when someone's life is not worth living anymore. Even fully healthy people have very different points of view about "life worth living", so who's going to decide for those who can't have any rational opinions about anything anymore, or who can't express those opinions. I definitely don't have any answers to how to tell when the life isn't living anymore, I just think that when it gets there, it might be better not to live.

I always try to think my life and decisions by the golden rule ("Do to others what you would like them to do to you, and don't do anything you wouldn't like to be done to yourself."), and I do so concerning death and euthanasia also. Directly speaking, I would like to go quickly without years of suffering in the old age. Of course I would love to live to be an old lady, but only if I would be in good shape mentally and physically at that time too. And I highly recommend applying the golden rule to everyone, because that suddenly might make decisions easier and more logical, even though sometimes it is hard when there are too many points of view (:

I once read about some native tribe somewhere (well that sounds reliable :D) that used to send their elders in a canoe to the river to die when they either for the age of their mind or body could not participate in normal life anymore. According to their believes, this was the way they saved their people from the suffering of the old age, and from the shame of not being able to function normally. Death was not scary or unnatural, but something inescapable, and if I remember well, the ceremony had a positive  atmosphere unlike the sad funerals of today. It was celebrated that the soul is free now and the body isn't suffering anymore. Let everyone think what they like, but I would rather chose this destiny than lying in a hospital, nursing home or even at home extending the suffering.


I'll post more pictures tomorrow with no writing just to catch up with more recent pics!

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