Confusion

Oh my goodness, how can a little person be this confused! This is something so personal that I simply can't write it here, but here you can enjoy of some pictures from Spain instead.

Photo contest and a new CV

I have been so busy these last few days that I haven't even had time to cook properly at home. I kind of like this, doing a lot of things and keeping myself occupied, I feel like I'm not totally unproductive, and might be of some help. Then I actually get good notes even when not attending to the lectures, as I'm on the move all the time even without them, and that's fine for me!

The first snow fell down here in Rovaniemi yesterday. It wasn't snowing when I left to meet some friends, and I was totally horrified when I realised I have to drive my bike home in the snow. It is funny how I am afraid of driving a bike, when there's no problem with people throwing me in the air and me doing flips and spinning or something. I have climbed up a rope, put it around me and come spinning down absolutely loving the feeling, but riding a bike scares me. When I have to go past narrow places, my heart starts beating harder almost every time, and the snow is killing me. I didn't even dare to turn the front wheel last night, so I'd just get down and walk the curves. Today I felt just a little more secure, but it was still an awful experience. I mean what's wrong with me, I even know how to drive a one wheeled bike, but still a normal one is the scary one for me! That's what I'm going to say is my weakness in my next work interview: "I might not get to work on time if there's snow on the ground". I apparently need some sleep now :D

I entered a photo contest with this picture today:

I don't know if it's good enough for a competition, but it's one of my favourite pics anyway, taken in Helsinki last December. I like the yellow light of the winter's low sunlight and the environment it creates.

I got so excited about making myself a new curriculum vitae last night that I didn't sleep at all. Here's the result with no valid information, (and the parts I saved are in Finnish):

I have been applying to some more jobs now, but there's one I would really love, would be the chief editor in my university's student' union's magazine. I am such a grammatical nazi that I would actually love to read texts and make them better, and to be able to write and get paid for it, and to be able to be part of the union, and also use my creativity and ooh I just want it so bad! I don't know if there are going to be many applicants, but I hope that at least I'd get to the interview. At the moment, I have so much will and motivation to work that anyone hiring me would gain a hard working and a happy employee.

Finally some pictures again, these are from my summer in Spain, where I was busy being on vacation, and actually used my camera much less than usual. 

The way you make me feel

This awesome video keeps making my day every time I watch it. I love the voice and style of this Kawehi, and even though this song is the first I heard it's still my absolute favourite.

Now to some more serious stuff. I keep getting to know new people all the time, and sometimes I get this amazing feeling with someone I am meeting for the first time - it's as if I would have met an old childhood friend even thought it's not possible we would have known each other before. A certain warmth and comfort and easiness radiates from them to my being. I love that feeling, and I want to be able to spend time with those people and give them the real me to say so in return, being honestly myself and trying to make them feel relaxed in my company too, make them see how easy they make me feel.

I don't exactly know why, but I also have this certain kind of other people I always start getting really interested in. The stupid thing is that I know they are not my kind of people, and that I will not enjoy their company, because they - on the contrary to the first kind of people I tried to describe - make me feel like I have to wear a mask of something different than my comfortable self for making them like me. Then I don't know why in the world I want to make them like me, when I know that I don't like the company of people who make me wear a mask. That is so annoying, and I fall for it too many times even when realising the stupidity of that problem, and that it's fully my own fault.

Neither of those types of people are homogeneous groups, but include people with many different personalities and characters. The one thing uniting all those is just that something that makes me like them. With the first group I feel like home, and with the other one I feel like in a masquerade. I feel so weak sometimes for not being able to resist the urge to impress the second kind of people, and I hate those situations - who would like to feel themselves weak anyway... Then again the first ones make me feel so nice that when I am with someone like it, I feel strong and confident and swear I'll never again make the mistake of wanting to be with people who don't make me feel good. I guess I have some more accepting and learning and gaining more self-confidence to do to get over the second kind of people.

Then one of the most difficult things for me to do is to end a relationship I don't feel comfortable in. Sometimes it's easy to just let it slip away, but now I'm dealing with more than one people with whom I feel like it was a mistake to get so close. It is so hard for me, because I keep thinking that I don't want to hurt anyone by telling them how they make me feel when it's not something positive, and more when I feel like they actually trust me. Normally I try to be honest always (well maybe not 100 % when someone is asking how they look in an outfit or something like that, though even then I try to find the best things to say about it), but these situations make me feel awkward and lost and like I'm made to choose between two rotten options. Those are another situations then, where I need to and want to grow.


Now my back and every muscle is hurting for so much dancing yesterday, but that's how I know I had a great time in a party - not for a hangover or for not remembering anything like some.
And now that the summer is waving its goodbyes, I'll guard it with me in the memories of these pretty flowers from Finland and the warmth of Spain (:

Just a normal post.

Hello everyone! I have no idea if anyone's interested in hearing just normal stuff from my life and what I've been up to, but I want to write something like this anyway.

Doing sports again feels so good. I've been cycling, running and dancing, and I don't want to stop.

I just heard that I didn't get a job where I had had an interview, but I'll have another interview in two weeks and hopefully will get that one, because I would really want it. Not just to have a job, but because I would like to have that job. It's in the nightlife of my city, and as a night person the working hours would suit me. I guess I'll have to start writing more applications anyway just in case, because the chances of getting the place are probably not especially high.

I had a very interesting meeting of an entrepreneurship study unit on Tuesday, and I am thrilled now with all kinds of ideas in my head. I would like to actually start my own company, and I would love for it to be about photography. I don't know if I'm good enough, or if anyone would buy my pictures or whatever I would be offering in the end, but it would be a great opportunity of learning of that field, and getting better with both photography and learning of business life. And you would never even have the chance of succeeding if you never try, right? I am open to any comments about this theme, I would like to hear other people's opinions!

My study motivation isn't very high at the moment, but I seem to get all the school work done easily when I get the sparkle to start. A course I'm attending to about sustainability in tourism is raising a lot of thoughts in my head, and I'll allow them to find their way here soon, when I get some sense into that post I'm preparing.

Tomorrow I will take part in a ten kilometers'"ruska" hike that my university is organising, and I am hoping I will get some pretty pictures of Lappish nature in its colours of autumn. There is no word in English for the Finnish word "ruska", but it means the period of autumn, when the leaves of the trees and other plants change their green to red, yellow, orange and brown. Here in Lapland it is amazingly beautiful, because the nature is very special and unique. We have a lot more of small plants on the ground, such as moss and twigs like blueberries, lingonberries and heathers, and less big forests of deciduous trees, so it's the ground changing colour in many areas instead of the tops of the trees. Hopefully my shots will speak for me.

Oh, well, I haven't been doing that much of anything it seems, because I ran out of things to write already. I might as well go to dance some more then. Here I have some pictures from June of a beautiful Nova scotia retriever in a traditional Finnish scenery: lakes and forests. Cheers!

I dream

I dream of a better world, because I'm such a hopeful person. I dream that if I make the world better action by action, maybe other people will notice how nice it is and start doing good actions too. I dream that it might be possible that everyone eventually would be peaceful like buddhas if everyone thought like I do, even though I know it's practically never happening.

I dream of living a life with no chemicals. I dream of a world with clean and fresh food, no polluted waters, no accumulation of poisons in food chains - a life where everyone at least has the chance to choose. I dream of a healthy world.

I dream of being able to live without thinking what how others see me. I dream of dancing as if no one is watching, and never being ashamed of my opinions, clothes or anything where I'm swimming against the stream of majority. I dream of being confident.

I dream of living in the middle of a forest. I dream of having my own house, garden, chicken, to be able to be as self-sufficient as possible. I dream of living with nature.

I dream of having horses. I dream of understanding them, receiving and giving unconditional love from and to them, and every other animal I will ever have. I dream of being able to give the animals staying with me the best possible life, and to have life-long friends of other species. I dream of earning their trust.

I dream of getting really good with photography. I dream of showing my thinking to the world with my pictures. I dream of touching, moving or changing someone's mind with only an image I took. I dream of creating emotions, changes, smiles, laughters and tears with the moments captured on paper. I dream of showing people something they never would see without my camera.

I dream of seeing many different cultures and learning from them. I dream of sharing it all and and teaching it to other people with the help of my camera and words. I dream of teaching.

I dream of being able to change people's ways of thinking, so that my dream of a better world might come true one day. I dream of changing the world with the power of pictures, and the power of words, and the power of love.

I dream of loving someone unconditionally with all my heart, and expecting nothing in return. I dream of being unconditionally loved by that same person. I dream of a family that I can share my dreams with.

I dream of never to stop learning. I dream of never to stop questioning. I dream of never to stop teaching. I dream of never to stop finding happiness inside me. I dream of never to stop seeing the beauty all around me. I dram of never to stop loving. I dream of never to stop dreaming.